Plastic

Amino collagen, Glutathione, CoQ10. No these are not antibiotics for a female thrush or dengue or made-up malady. These will help retard my ageing. Or so am hoping. Or so I’ve been convinced. Or so it’s been prescribed to me at the innumerable clinics where each pop makes me poorer by quite a few notes.

Post 40 we can be sold anything. From breasts to butt to thigh gaps to rhinoplasty (not the animal but the one that will rest on your face). Now don’t go thinking I’ve enquired about the following or subscribe to them. Just seen the effects on a few acquaintances. Would I consider them, possibly if I were brave enough.

My social life as of today is rustic and simple. My days are spent scouring the vegetable markets in worn linens and the evenings at the gym so I can score with panna cotta when it rears its head in my very vivid imagination at 10.40 at night watching the latest on the flat screen. So why bother wasting the precious when nobody’s there to ogle and go googley eyed and get slapped by spouse, girlfriend or whichever status is on the arm for staring too hard at the enhanced.

Ok. I toy with the idea of botox every morning when I raise my bed-head hair after brushing my pearlies to look into my mirror and see frowns, lines, nebula lines, crowsfeet. Terms I’ve Googled. Am the latest derma quack in my social circle. I even dole out Derma Wisdom over a glass of red (I sound more convincing after 3 glasses).

See, I told you earlier I do not have much to do these days, so I spend all my time on medical sites convincing myself and my family members that with every sneeze and rash its cancer or ebola or plague. These illnesses visit only my family. Ok am digressing. So botox I’ve struck off the list as after the third botox visit I may be approached to play Joker’s Sister in the Indian Batman version.

How about an enhancement? I could do with many inches - though my husband convinces me otherwise, saying “I love you anyways, Darling”, am sure its more out of insecurity that I may look better than him. A good enhancement costs about 5 lakhs a pair, well I could buy a pair of diamond studs too with that. Now honestly, which will be more visible. It’s all about the visual. So I shall sleep over this one on my stomach, which is my preferred position. See now with the enhancement, that would be impossible. There we go, let’s strike that off too.

With my ample thighs, the pounding and beating the treadmill seems to take under my red Nike trainers seems to be of no avail as the bulk stubbornly stays there. Now what purpose is that gap supposed to serve? With that much less fabric, reduce the cost of the outfit, let the breeze through, give me a clearer view of the person behind me. Let me know if you find the answer to that. That was not on my list anyways.

I’ve even considered sticking cello tape on my eyelids like the Koreans. I’ve asked my husband countless times and other pot-bellied male friends who display their belly with pride like we women do our toned bicycle-ridden thighs. Could I wear a sloppy t-shirt, yes with a belly the size they sport, with a pair of cargo shorts? And will we be loved the same? If we do, can we also be assured that they will have eyes only for us when a pair of long pins struts by with boobs that precede her entry and looking all dewy-skinned?

Hey, after all I too had pins and dewy skin once; not the orange peel and open pores the size of craters now. Ok so am I going to age gracefully? Yes, I shall embrace it.

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