What Dictates My Future

It's been a while since I've written. I have these long gaps. Analysing whether it's writers block or sheer laziness. It doesn't matter. Whatever the diagnosis am still on the same page, no material. Am almost at the ugly point of my "society proclaimed midlife number". Well I don't feel it. Except when am climbing the stairs . I thought I would still be the 20 year old when am what am today. Emotionally n spiritually. But " life's lessons have changed me ". Life has stripped me , is teaching me and the healing has yet to begin. Am calmer in most situations. Wiser, wittier ,more forgiving ,more giving ,accepting of others flaws and aware of my glaring faults ,believe in one love and willing to accept less from life. The last few chapters in my life should have wrung out the best and left me empty. Instead its taught me to believe. There are moments of doubt and questioning. But the cynicism is coupled with hope. As that's all I can live with. Does our system believe in the truth? Is she blind to the truth? Is that why she's blindfolded? Justice in different countries operate differently. Ours is not on truth but who shouts the loudest. Does our culture, our religion control our justice system. Every time I want to shout. I am given one more explanation about why I will not be heard. So every time I am told "have hope". I look them in the eye and tell them victory was decided before the battle. I guess am going to be old before i taste victory and freedom. Before this I was too busy being young and living young. This new chapter is teaching me to age better. Honestly I like myself at this point where I am in life. It has not killed my spirit. It has made me strong in faith, prayer and hope.

Now What

We have finally grown up. Now we are learning to live with the silence and we are learning to live with each other. Suddenly the space between us seems so large. No it's not because we are going through a marital crisis....Far from it! The young ones have flown the coop. Everything seems exaggerated now. The physical space, the silence, the conversations. Yes, the conversations finally revolve around us. The house and furniture suddenly look larger in size. Life is not so rushed. It's slower. Our time together is longer. Strange that this is what every parent dreams of midway through parenthood. Now when it's upon us, the emotions are mixed. The sound of silence can be deafening in the evenings, but its in that silence I can finally hear my voice, my dreams, my emotions that I kept hidden while raising the little ones. Life now is ours to do what we want. To read at a languid pace. Listen to my music. Walk and know there's no hurry to return. Enjoy many a glass of red and know it's ok to have a headache after. Sleep in well beyond daylight. Pull the covers back over as there's no rush. This time, is mine. Now we are growing up again. It's a different growing up. When the kids call you and thank you. When they wish upon a star for you. When they would rather spend an evening in conversation with you after having flown across continents. When they still put their head upon your lap and say I love you. We've done well. We deserve the now. Guess this is how I shall define My ageing.