What Dictates My Future

It's been a while since I've written. I have these long gaps. Analysing whether it's writers block or sheer laziness. It doesn't matter. Whatever the diagnosis am still on the same page, no material. Am almost at the ugly point of my "society proclaimed midlife number". Well I don't feel it. Except when am climbing the stairs . I thought I would still be the 20 year old when am what am today. Emotionally n spiritually. But " life's lessons have changed me ". Life has stripped me , is teaching me and the healing has yet to begin. Am calmer in most situations. Wiser, wittier ,more forgiving ,more giving ,accepting of others flaws and aware of my glaring faults ,believe in one love and willing to accept less from life. The last few chapters in my life should have wrung out the best and left me empty. Instead its taught me to believe. There are moments of doubt and questioning. But the cynicism is coupled with hope. As that's all I can live with. Does our system believe in the truth? Is she blind to the truth? Is that why she's blindfolded? Justice in different countries operate differently. Ours is not on truth but who shouts the loudest. Does our culture, our religion control our justice system. Every time I want to shout. I am given one more explanation about why I will not be heard. So every time I am told "have hope". I look them in the eye and tell them victory was decided before the battle. I guess am going to be old before i taste victory and freedom. Before this I was too busy being young and living young. This new chapter is teaching me to age better. Honestly I like myself at this point where I am in life. It has not killed my spirit. It has made me strong in faith, prayer and hope.

Now What

We have finally grown up. Now we are learning to live with the silence and we are learning to live with each other. Suddenly the space between us seems so large. No it's not because we are going through a marital crisis....Far from it! The young ones have flown the coop. Everything seems exaggerated now. The physical space, the silence, the conversations. Yes, the conversations finally revolve around us. The house and furniture suddenly look larger in size. Life is not so rushed. It's slower. Our time together is longer. Strange that this is what every parent dreams of midway through parenthood. Now when it's upon us, the emotions are mixed. The sound of silence can be deafening in the evenings, but its in that silence I can finally hear my voice, my dreams, my emotions that I kept hidden while raising the little ones. Life now is ours to do what we want. To read at a languid pace. Listen to my music. Walk and know there's no hurry to return. Enjoy many a glass of red and know it's ok to have a headache after. Sleep in well beyond daylight. Pull the covers back over as there's no rush. This time, is mine. Now we are growing up again. It's a different growing up. When the kids call you and thank you. When they wish upon a star for you. When they would rather spend an evening in conversation with you after having flown across continents. When they still put their head upon your lap and say I love you. We've done well. We deserve the now. Guess this is how I shall define My ageing.

Healing

Life has a way of tearing your heart out and healing it. Give it a little time. It's during the healing process that tears and laughter play hide and seek. When you are in your darkest hours, you will find the strength from the reserves that none of us knew we had, that's why it's called reserves. My faith in God was tested when in my dark hours. Is there that one dark hour or is each one a dark hour. It doesn't matter. The pain, desolation, hopelessness, loneliness is one emotion. It's just all dark. I managed to find God through all of that. I have tried to make sense of all the darkness. It doesn't matter. U can turn it upside down inside out. You will arrive at the same point. How and why me. People say time is a healer. Not true. It lives with you everyday. It will go with you to your grave. But the dark gets more grey with time and it's not so dark after a point. But it becomes only your flash of dark when you dwell upon it, something you spare people around you from. So those who've not lived it personally are the ones who've actually forgotten it. So maybe that's why they've confused the forgetting with the healing.

A Love Letter To My Children

All my growning years I had prayed for a boy and a girl. Foolish thoughts of a teenage girl. Castles that all girls build. God and life did not disappoint me. I had you as I so desired. A boy to fight all the demons when he's grown and conquer the kingdoms again for his Queen Mother and rescue his sister from the wicked knights. And my son you've turned out to be the most polite, kind-hearted, well-read, musically-inclined, handsome and intelligent man. A man I am proud to call my own. Gallant in any battle his sister has to wage, helps fight her demons. Rises above pettiness and has conquered so many battles life has thrown at him. A daughter so beautiful, I always stop to stare at God's creation. I wanted my daughter born second so the sexist in me could have an older brother to look after her. You to me sing beautifully like the birds, you paint like God intended and have grown to be a woman. Am asked often by acquaintences how you both remember your P's and Q's. My chest fills with pride. You'll have handled crises with far better maturity than I have taught you. I believe it's the daily prayer that keeps you'll strengthened. Thank you for never forgetting the one of many lessons I have taught you'll, is to always sign off a conversation or the end of the day with an "I Love You"